Austin's Blog

The Amended Obituary

In an effort to display transparency, the Jerusalem obituary page would like to offer the following amended obituary for Jesus of Nazareth, son of Mary and Joseph.

To the astonishment of hundreds, Jesus Christ of Nazareth is no longer dead. As often was his custom during his life and ministry, Jesus regularly predicted his ultimate sacrificial demise and subsequent glorious rise from the dead. While doubts persisted concerning such predictions, it is confidently reported he was correct, forever stopping any claims from his detractors and opponents.

His closest friends and many other family members reported seeing Jesus on the Sunday following his crucifixion. It should also be noted that the first person to witness his resurrection was a woman, one Mary of Magdala. We here at the Jerusalem obituary page want to highlight this fact in light of the unlikeliness of fabrication as well as to avoid any charge that this is “fake news” which is so rampant in our day.

Disciples report to us that his resurrection was “according to the Scriptures”, which are a well-known source of truth and wisdom. After appearing to witnesses such as Peter and a young man named John (who reports that he beat Peter in a footrace to the tomb), Jesus appeared to other followers as well as over five hundred witnesses, many of whom are adding further details and corroboration.

We interviewed Jesus’ brother, James, who remarked that his return made him a believer. “I was so skeptical”, he said with tears in his eyes. “What can I say now that I’ve seen his face? He is more than just our example or some great prophet or teacher. He has defeated death, Satan, and sin. He took my place. Those were my nails. I will live the rest of my days sharing this message of hope.” Reports are emerging that other family members are coming to similar positions in light of this miraculous event.

Disciples are reporting that this event changes everything about their lives and mission. For further information regarding this momentous occasion, please avoid contacting the Jerusalem gazette and instead go speak directly to Jesus who is expected to stay for forty days to add further instruction concerning the Kingdom of God. How this will affect the upcoming Feast of Weeks better known as Pentecost is yet to be seen.