Austin's Blog

A mentor and I were talking about the culture among bereaved parents of seeing butterflies, birds, the wind, and other things in nature as signs from our deceased children or even our children themselves. They are communicating or taking care of us. I said it is a false comfort. Why? First, there’s no indication that our children somehow gain this ability in death. Why would they suddenly have the power to command other creatures? It is God who commands the wind, the waves, and the rest of Creation. Second, our children are in the presence of God where there is no pain, sorrow, mourning, or sadness. It is natural to want them to focus on us and the great sorrow and pain we feel from losing them. But, their focus is likely not on us but on the joys and delights of heaven.

Nancy Guthrie in the book What Grieving People Wish You Knew wisely asks bereaved parents “…who seem to be overly invested in their lives if that is really what they would most want for the person who has died. Do they really want their loved ones to remain focused on the reality of how their death is bringing so much sorrow to those who love them? Or do they want them to be at peace, at rest, enjoying the perfection of heaven?” The focus of heaven is not on us but on Christ and all the beauties of the land after our dying, the life after death. I dearly miss Gabriel but I don’t want him focused on me, this broken world, and the deep pain we feel.

Third, our children are not taking care of us. Honestly, as hard as this is, we don’t need them to take care of us. We have the Lord. Again, Nancy Guthrie writes, “Our loved ones are not charged with the responsibility for our care, nor are they given the ability to take care of us or communicate things to us after they die. We don’t need our loved ones in heaven to take care of us, as if they could. We have a heavenly Father who loves and cares for us, an exalted Son who ‘upholds the universe by the word of his power’ (Hebrews 1:3) We have the Holy Spirit who ‘intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words’ (Romans 8:26) Our loved ones are in the presence of the triune God. They are at rest. “Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on…They may rest from their labors’ (Revelation 14:13) They are not responsible for our well-being, nor is their focus on this broken world.” We don’t need them to take care of us or communicate their love. We know they loved us and we loved them. God and His people are taking care of us. Jesus and others are taking care of them.

Fourth, my mentor and friend also said believing in these “signs” could lead to greater pain when the butterfly is eaten or the bird gets hit by a car. There’s an arbitrariness or selectivity to this line of reasoning which betrays its logic altogether. Is my son in the wind when tornados take other human lives or just when it feels good upon my cheek? Is he the rain when it mists slowly outside or also when it becomes a monsoon and drowns? Is he sending rainbows after a calming rainstorm but not responsible when the levees break and destruction ensues? Is he sending birds to me when they’re eating out of my bird feeder by my window but not when they’re tearing apart other living things squirming around on the ground? This is pantheism; it isn’t our children’s providence. Fifth, and finally, when someone dies, they are gone from our sight and our presence. They are with the Lord and cannot return to us. Sadly, death is that final…for now. Jesus says in Luke 16:26 that “…between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, in order that those who would pass from here to you may not be able, and none may cross from there to us.”

Personally, when I see a beautiful sunset, when I see a butterfly or other lovely creature, when I feel the wind on my cheek or experience some small portion of delight, I think of Gabriel. How could I not? I use to enjoy these realities with him. I think, “Wow, if this is that good, that beautiful, and that true and it reminds me of my perfect boy, just imagine what he experiencing in the precious presence of Jesus Christ at this very moment!” Let’s work our way up from the things of Creation to its all-satisfying and stunning Creator. This both honors Him and honors our loved ones.