Austin's Blog

When people ask how we are doing, I’ve got to where I tell them, “It is just a season of sorrow.” And that is certainly what it is! Losing Gabriel ignited a fire that scorched a part of our lives. There’s still smolderings, smoke, and the constant reminder that the landscape is forever different, forever scarred in some sense. There are times when I wonder, “Are we grieving excessively?” or “Shouldn’t I just be able to soldier on and ignore this?” Yet, I’m encouraged by the Lord’s own tears. Scripture describes Him as, “…a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief (Isa. 53:3a).” He wept over Jerusalem as he rode to the very place He would die (Luke 19:41-44). One of the most encouraging stories about Jesus is found in John 11 where his friend Lazarus dies. He does a lot in that chapter but one of the most precious things He does is weeps at the tomb of Lazarus. What that tells me is that it is ok to weep over the losses of life. It is appropriate, wise, and fitting to weep.

Shouldn’t knowing where Gabriel is cause me to not be sad and full of such sorrow? I don’t think so. Knowing He is in heaven is a comfort but, of course, there are days when heaven feels just so far away. Furthermore, knowing these precious realities does not mean weeping is irrelevant or unwarranted. Christian M.M. Brady says, “Our knowledge of the resurrection, our faith that the kingdom of God will be established and that we will be reunited with God and our loved ones, does not remove our feelings of loss and sorrow now. Those who try to rush past this time of lamentation are robbing themselves and others of the necessary expression of grief. Furthermore, we are encouraged by the Word of God, both Scripture and the Word made flesh to lament, to cry out, and even to express our anger.” Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn” (Matt. 5:4), not blessed are those who hurry up and get over mourning.

Knowing the End, the Rest of the Story as Paul Harvey would say, does not necessarily mean the middle does not possess profound grief and sadness worth crying over. We lament and grieve now, knowing that the End will remove it all. Pastor Chad Scruggs, the father of a beautiful little girl who was shot at Covenant Presbyterian on March 27th, preached on John 11 saying, “The whole time Jesus knew how the whole thing would go down and yet what are the most remarkable things about this story, it always gets me, is that knowing exactly what he’s about to do, Jesus sits down and does what? He weeps. Do you see that a strong confidence in the end of the story does not undo or justify the absence of grief in the middle? A mature faith adds its tears to the sadness in our world. Jesus says blessed are those who mourn all the while not losing confidence and how that sadness will eventually be overcome in him.” Jesus wept there at Lazarus’ tomb with the full knowledge that He was about to turn His friend’s death backwards and upside down. All this to say, I’ll likely continue to weep the loss of my precious son. I tear up every time we sing of heaven, the resurrection, or what God does in and through suffering at Church. I weep not because I doubt it, deny it, or don’t appreciate it. I weep because I do. There’s even more now in heaven waiting for us, and I’ll continue weeping until those tears of sorrow turn into pure tears of joy seeing the Lord and seeing my sweet Gabe.