Austin's Blog

After losing everything including his children, land, and reputation, Job eventually referred to his three friends, perhaps his closest confidants, as “miserable comforters” in Job 16:2. However, they were not initially given that epitaph. They were helpful in the beginning after his agonizing ordeal because they simply empathized and were present with Job in his grief and loss. Job 2:12-13 says, “When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” It was only after opening their mouths and misapplying various truths that they became “miserable comforters” to Job. 

As I reflect upon the last six months since losing Gabriel, there have been so many comforts and helps to us. Thankfully, I can count on one hand the foolish or difficult things people have said. However, I have lost count of the myriad of ways others have served us well. What has helped, comforted, and served us as we’ve suffered losing Gabriel?

1. Scripture– When everything hit the fan, countless truths swirled in our hearts and minds. In fact, so many people messaged verses and truths that had already been embedded deep within our souls that week. In a way, every Bible study and quiet time in the Word I had ever had up to that moment was preparing me for what was to come. Every time I read the Bible when I didn’t feel like it, it was shaping and molding me for the hardest moment of my life. The Word has consoled us so much in this season of sorrow. We love when friends, church members, and family have texted us verses they thought would encourage. 

2. Worship Music– We tear up when we sing of Heaven, the Resurrection, what God does through suffering and anything remotely close to those themes. We have learned to lament and have found solace in good, Christian music which has put to words what we haven’t been able to articulate. We have learned that to be sad is human but to lament is uniquely Christian. I haven’t often known what to pray but have sung instead. He who sings prays twice. 

3. Memories– Some bereaved parents find it so difficult to look back on videos and pictures of their sweet children they have lost. However, this has been an immense joy to me. I recall what it felt like to have him and hold him in my arms when I watch those videos. They somehow sustain us until we get to do it again in the end. People also randomly texting us pictures or videos they find of Gabe makes our day. People commenting on pictures and videos we post makes us feel honored. 

4. Friends and Family– We’ve had such wonderful friends and family members who have committed to walking with us through this vale of tears until the end. They’ve often pushed through the awkwardness, fear, and concern to ask us poignant questions that have brought so much life. Questions like, “How is your grief today?”, “What is a memory of Gabriel that has brought you joy recently?”, and “What can I do to help you today?” have meant so much. I’m not sure how you make it through such a traumatizing, awful experience without faithful, fellow pilgrims who walk with you. 

5. Church– We’ve read and heard advice a few times from people who have encouraged bereaved parents to pull away from the Church if it is just too painful. We took the opposite approach and immediately leaned on the Body of Christ. The Church has been a sturdy staff we’ve leaned upon as we haven’t been able to stand. I cannot fully articulate how healing it has been to have older, seasoned saints hug me and say, “Brother, I want you to know that you’re not the only one grieving today” or “There are no words. I love you. I’m here for you.” I walked out of Church one day teary-eyed after seeing another little boy in Gabe’s clothes (which we love) and a sister met me on the sidewalk and hugged me with tears in her eyes. I can’t imagine sacrificing that. 

6. Mentioning Gabriel by Name– My son has not ceased to exist. He exists now with the Lord. We love and so appreciate when people bring Gabriel up to us. So often people don’t bring up children who have died because they are afraid it will make their parents sad. The reality is that we are already sad. Bringing up Gabriel blesses us. It makes us feel like he is remembered and loved by others outside of our immediate family. 

7. Playing the Long Game– I have a friend that messages me everyday to let me know he is praying for me. I have had friends who have written cards, sent messages, and dropped off gifts on the anniversary of his death or other special days. While many have forgotten us it seems (some that have been a surprise!), there have been a group of beautiful people who have seemed to commit to the long game with us. They know our grief won’t dissipate after a couple months and they have decided their ministry to us will continue as long as our grief will. 

8. Connecting with Other Grieving People– There’s something about being in a room of people who are grieving that just helps. We have been attending a local Griefshare, which has been immensely helpful to us. Misery loves company but so does comfort. Shared sorrow somehow becomes a little more endurable. Last week at Griefshare, we discussed the fact that while the people we love are precious to us, they are not essential to living. God will never remove what is essential for us to live. The only necessary being is God Himself. Furthermore, God didn’t take MY child from me. Gabriel was His child. Valerie and I are stewards who were relieved of our trust after 366 days. We fulfilled our obligations before God concerning sweet Gabe. Having these discussions with others walking through grief is invaluable. I highly recommend griefshare for those walking through bereavement and loss.

9. Nature and Beauty– We don’t just want to see beauty. We want to become one with it. There’s something about the nature of beauty that points beyond itself to the beautiful God who created it. Being outside on walks, seeing beautiful things within nature, watching sunsets, listening to the waves crash on the shore, finding seashells, smelling freshly cut grass, going for bike rides in the late evenings, and so much more have been cathartic. There’s such a real sobriety about life now. So much that mattered before is meaningless. I don’t have the time or will to trifle with nonsense. Yet, the beauty of Creation has carried an immense weight of glory for me recently. This is my Father’s World and it encourages me to see He still clothes the lilies of the field. If He takes care of them, He will obviously take care of us.

10. Prayer– As you can imagine, prayer has often been a struggle. Somedays it consists of groans, murmurs, and sighs. God has seemed to touch my frazzled soul a few times when praying recently and bring a measure of peace. 

11. Gratitude– We are under no false pretense–Gabriel was not owed to us. We didn’t deserve those 366 days anymore than we deserve the breath in our lungs. We have found that thanking God for those 366 days and Gabe’s little life has been nourishing and healing. We live in the shadow of grief because our love for him is so large. We thank God for the experience of loving, parenting, and knowing our sweet boy even for such a short time. 

12. Writing– Processing through putting pen to paper (or keys to document) has helped me to see some truths more sharply and clearly. Oftentimes, what you think, feel, and believe is all there but not adequately formulated in such a way that it can help and serve you. Writing has caused me to slowly think through some of those big realities in such a way that they have been used by God to uphold and strengthen. 

13. Reading– I’ve heard from many bereaved parents that they were not able to make it through a page after losing their child. I’ve had the opposite experience. I’ve sought to read as much as I can get my hands on concerning child loss, what the Lord does through suffering and pain, grief, and Heaven. If I’m going to have to endure this grief and loss, I’m going to learn as much as possible while doing it. Puritan writer Samuel Rutherford wrote, “When I am in the cellar of affliction, I look for the Lord’s choicest wines.” I’m not going to die of thirst in this valley when satisfying drinks have been offered to me. Others are different, of course. 

14. My Wife and Daughter– I have no greater ally in this grief apart from Jesus Christ than my wife, Valerie. Though our grief is different, there’s no one who understands the depth, width, and breadth of this suffering like her. There’s no one who has been uniquely wounded like me like her on this earth. She’s been a tool God has used to shape me during this time. Furthermore, Addie has also been used by God to bring some healing. She’s grieving as well and grief for children is so different from the grief adults experience, but Addison has been so sweet to us. She has often told Valerie and me, “It is ok to be sad for Gabe. It is ok to cry for Gabe.” We told her those truths so often in the beginning and she has turned around and given them back to us. 

15. Serving– Gabriel has died but we haven’t. That is no accident by God. What this means is we still have things left to do on this side of Eternity. As difficult as serving has been, we’ve experienced joy in looking outside of ourselves and the pain we live in and looking to the needs of others. Somehow, serving others has been used by Christ to serve us. You find yourself by giving yourself away. You grow not by focusing on yourself but focusing on God and others. The way up is down to the floor with a towel and basin, ready to wash other peoples’ feet. One of the best decisions I made after Gabe died was to teach a theology course every Sunday morning at my Church. Swimming in those big truths after such a devastating loss caused my soul to grow and new joys to trickle down into it. 

16. Tears– We cry all the time these days. How could we not? Frederick Buechner writes, “Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go to next.” Tears are a testament to the profound worth of Gabriel. As odd as it sounds, when others weep with us and tear up when talking about Gabe, it is such a gift to me. There is a ministry of tears that has been used to touch our broken places. Sometimes all you can do is weep and face the loss head on. 

17. Cemetery Visits– I read from another brother who lost a child that he goes to the cemetery every week and brings a cup of coffee he leaves for his son. If I’m honest, cemetery visits do very little for me. My son’s body is there but my son was an embodied soul and he’s with the Lord until his body and his soul are reunited at the end in the resurrection. But, I cannot express how absolutely touching it is to go to where my son is buried and see little mementos from other people who loved him as well. I’ve teared up a few times seeing the little gadgets people have brought and left for Gabe or having people text a picture of them there. We aren’t the only ones grieving this loss. Others remember. Others feel this loss as well. 

18. Getting Away– Our home is where we spent one of the sweetest years of our lives. We truly had it all–Christ, each other, our two beautiful children, family, and our Church. Now, every room reminds us of our sweet son and what we have lost. Without making it a shrine, much of the house has become hallowed ground. There’s a handprint on some glass in the living room that will never be erased. There’s a magnet at the bottom of the oven Gabe snuck there. We don’t want to escape our home very often because that’s where we were given the blessing of loving our two kids together for those 366 days. Even though you take your sorrow and grief with you and coming back home always feels off, it has been a blessing to occasionally get away for a time and recharge. 

19. Laughter– We’ve learned that the deeper that sorrow is carved into your soul, the deeper your soul has for laughter and joy. I thought we would never laugh again. Afterall, the world lived up to all its ugliness and sin when my precious son died. It was a tragedy and heartache that indelibly burned within me. Yet, we have slowly but surely learned to laugh again. We live in a deeper place than before and that deep place has often produced delights and joys that were unexpected. 

20. Jesus Christ– We’ve said it so often over the last six months, “How do people endure this without Jesus Christ walking with them?” I cannot put into words how the Lord has served us in our darkest night of the soul. There’s been only one set of footprints because He has truly been carrying us. We wouldn’t have made it this far without Him. I don’t always know what He is up to. I don’t always know why He does what He chooses to do. But, I’m not going to deny in the dark what He has said in the light. I’ll understand it all later. Our job now is simply to trust and obey. He has remained faithful throughout this painful ordeal. He will be faithful forever. 

Though we have been comforted and have begun the long, arduous process of healing, this is the greatest tragedy of our lives, and we deeply feel the loss of our beloved Gabriel. We think about him all the time and our lives are soaked with his absence. At the end of the book of Job, everything is restored and even doubled to the suffering man of righteousness (Job 42:10, 12). Yet, there is one category in Job’s life where the number stays the same as before–his children (Job 1:2, 42:13). You can replace things and even multiply them. However, you cannot simply move on and replace your children. No one will ever replace my beautiful, baby boy. We must simply wait until the End of all things when he is fully and finally restored to us. “Be still my soul, thy Jesus can repay From his own fullness all he takes away.”