Austin's Blog

I’ve never longed for heaven as much as I have these past six months. The question was asked last night at Griefshare, “What are you most looking forward to in Heaven?” I want to see Jesus Christ and be with my boy again. There’s a great sense of resignation that living now brings. Please understand, I’m not suicidal or anything. I will persevere and seek to be used by God until my time is done. But, there’s now so much laid up for me in heaven that wasn’t once there. Charles Spurgeon writes, “When the Lord takes a child, there is one less cord to fasten you to this world and another band to draw you toward heaven.” I ask the Lord often now, “Must we go one without him?” The answer is, “Yes, you must for a time.”

Of course, Heaven is Heaven because God is there. Puritan Joseph Caryl writes, “If God should say to the saints, Here is heaven, take it amongst you, but I will withdraw myself, how would they weep over heaven itself, and make it a Baca, a valley of tears indeed. Heaven is not heaven unless we enjoy God. It is the presence of God which makes heaven: glory is but our nearest being unto God.” Heaven is Heaven because God is there—not because Gabriel is there. Sometimes I must confess though that my longing for Heaven is so divided. Do I want Heaven because Christ is there or because my son is there? Tim Challies, who lost his only son, confessed the same thing but ultimately rested in the following reality: “It was God who called me to himself and God who put a great love for himself in my heart. It was God who gave me my son, God who gave me such love for him, and God who took him away from me. The Lord knows I love the Lord, and the Lord knows I love my boy. I’ll leave it to him to sort out the details.” There will be a reunion of believing family members (my boy included) but my eyes will also plainly see the Lord. The latter is ultimate.

Someone told me at the funeral, “I know now you long for Heaven even more because Gabe is there. Remember to keep your eye on the prize.” The prize is Christ. Gabriel being there is icing on the cake. Paul writes in Philippians 3:12-14, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” We must press on. I must press on until we are finally home.

“You have promised a future in which every tear will give way to joy. Therefore, O Lord, even as a compass needle always swings to north, so let my sorrows pivot to align with that great, eternal hope—that as I step again into the flow of life, this abiding ache will point and pull me forward, daily orienting my grieving heart toward the moment of its inevitable restoration. Amen.” Every Holy Moment Volume Two: Death, Grief, and Hope