Austin's Blog

This question is one of the most dreaded for bereaved parents. We all know it is coming and we simultaneously don’t want it to and yet we do. We want the ability to speak about our precious children like anyone else. How do you answer such a question? It has come up in various settings and the answer really depends on the context. The first thing that needs to be said is we did not cease to be Gabriel’s parents when he suddenly went to Heaven in January of 2023. He is still my son. I did not lose my son; I lost the ability to parent my son. He is being taken care of by Another. This is important because bereaved parents lose the practical outflow of their identity as parents but they don’t lose the positional status of their identity as parents. We will always be Gabe’s Mom and Dad. When he was conceived, a new aspect of our identity was created. Nothing can change that.

In Luke 7:11-17, Jesus happens upon a funeral procession of a widow whose only son died. The way the mother and the son are described by Jesus highlights the fact that though the son had died, the relationship status continued. In the story, the woman is described as “his mother” when in death as well as later when he was brought back to life (vv. 12, 15). Jackie Gibson writes, “The world may forget you are a mother [or father] to your child. Even those close to you may forget (unintentionally) to mention your baby’s name, or to include him or her in a birth order. But God will never forget. In life, and in death, he views you as your child’s mother [or father].” Death ends a life but it does not end a relationship forever. Motherhood and fatherhood are enduring realities that persist beyond death.

How do I answer the question then? Again, it depends. If I’m meeting someone for the first time and it is likely that I will not see them or interact with them ever again, I usually just say, “I have a daughter.” To answer, “I have a daughter and a son who died” would just bring discomfort, derail the conversation, and betray the goal of the exchange. It isn’t the whole truth, but it is the truth. Sometimes it isn’t even about protecting that person but simply me lacking the strength or will to reveal something so fundamental to our life at that moment. If it is someone I know or I will have ongoing conversations with, my answer has been, “I have two children, one that is with us and one that is with Jesus in Heaven.” This usually brings questions and it gives me the opportunity to talk about how wonderful Gabriel was. People assume that we don’t want to talk about Gabe because it is just so painful. The reality is though we often want to talk about Gabe just like anyone else would want to talk about their children. I’m so grateful for friends who ask things like, “What is a memory about Gabe you have been treasuring lately?” What a gift!