Austin's Blog

I often wonder, “Why Gabe and not me?” I have lived a decent enough life and have traveled around the world. I’ve seen sunrises in Timor Leste, walked on the Great Wall of China, visited the pyramids in Cairo, watched lions and elephants in Africa, and floated down the Amazon River. Yet, it was my one-year-old son who beat me to Heaven. He never even got to walk. Why him instead of me?

One thing that encouraged me recently as I reflected on this question was the Apostle Paul’s experience in Philippians 1. The Apostle was in prison not because he was a criminal but because he was faithfully serving the Lord. He writes from his jail cell in Philippians 1:20-26, “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.”

Paul believed his death was gain because He would be with the Lord. He even says such a reality is “better by far.” He longed greatly to be done suffering and to be in Heaven. But, he was torn because to leave would be to stop ministering and serving the people around him. There was more work to be done. There was still purpose. There was still stuff for Paul to do. He says, “I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith.” There were things of eternal significance left to say and do before his time was up. I’ve been encouraged that Gabe reached the Golden Shore, fulfilling his purpose, and I’ve got more work to do before I go myself. That’s a hard yet hopeful thing. We are truly immortal until our work on earth is done. Gabe finished his work way earlier than I expected. I must have more to do.

I’ve discovered that the more I lean in on what the Lord has before me in ministry, the more comfort comes. J.R. Miller writes, “God has so ordered, that in pressing on in duty we shall find the truest, richest comfort for ourselves. Sitting down to brood over our sorrows, the darkness deepens about us and creeps into our heart, and our strength changes to weakness. But, if we turn away from the gloom, and take up the tasks and duties to which God calls us, the light will come again, and we shall grow stronger.” This is not to say I should just ignore or forget my beautiful son. How could I? Barbara D. Rosof notes in The Worst Loss: How Families Heal from the Death of a Child, “Remembering is the work of a lifetime. Sometimes pleasurable, sometimes intensely painful, usually both, remembering your child is the very essence of grieving.” We will remember and grieve for a lifetime but we will also focus on what the Lord has us to do before our time is up.