Austin's Blog

A friend asked me recently if it was still the case that I had not been angry with God since Gabe went to Heaven. I told him honestly, “Anger at God? No. Who am I to be angry at Him? Disappointment that His sovereign, wise, and good plan included the death of my son at 365 days old? Absolutely.” I’ve heard numerous bereaved parents say such things as, “I know He can heal and we believed He was going to do the miracle but…” or “I never expected the Lord to do…” Disappointment is sadness or displeasure over a decision that was made or not made. We’ve often been disappointed when we see children of Gabe’s age enjoying themselves and we think, “He would enjoy it just as much.” Disappointment is real. The life we thought we would have is gone.

Oftentimes, you think to yourself, “I’ll simply soldier on, grit my teeth, and throw my shoulder to the wind regardless of how I feel.” The danger with such a stoic, unfeeling response is the disappointment never really gets dealt with and can trigger a chain reaction of other unwanted feelings. Billy Graham wisely notes, “Repeated disappointment almost always triggers a series of other reactions: discouragement, anger, frustration, bitterness, resentment, and even depression. Unless we learn to deal with disappointment, it will rob us of joy and poison our soul.” It can become a snowball that creates a spiritual and emotional avalanche. What has happened cannot be changed; how I respond to what has happened makes a difference.

One thing I’ve constantly reminded myself is I simply cannot see it all. I’m limited. I’m finite. I know He’s good. I know He’s wise. Lamentations 3:31-33 says, “For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.” One translation says God does not afflict us “from his heart.” What He ordains or permits isn’t meant to hurt or harm us. Gabe wasn’t taken to spite us or punish us. Regardless of what I feel or what my eyes see, I will see the goodness, greatness, and glory of the Lord in the land of the living. We have to rehearse the great realities of the Gospel to our hearts and minds. This may not feel good but the Gospel proves God is good. As Charles Spurgeon wisely reminds us, “When we can’t trace God’s hand, we must trust His heart.”

Another thing I must remind myself is this will all be handled in the End of all things. This separation is for a little while and God will reconcile it all. Philip Yancey writes, “No matter how we rationalize, God will sometimes seem unfair from the perspective of a person trapped in time. Only at the end of time, after we have attained God’s level of viewing, after every evil has been punished or forgiven, every illness healed, and the entire universe restored—only then will fairness reign. Then we will understand what role is played by evil, and by the Fall, and by natural law, in an “unfair” event like the death of a child. Until then, we will not know, and can only trust in a God who does know.” To the degree that I trust when I cannot see and rehearse the great realities of the Gospel over and over again to my heart and mind, the disappointment does not consume me. Thankfully, He remains faithful to His people, even when they’re disappointed.