Austin's Blog

Bereaved people struggle to return to church. Walking through the doors can feel immensely heavy and almost insurmountable. Bereaved parent and While We’re Waiting founder Jill Sullivan writes, “Our churches are full of people who are hurting, many of whom have lost children or other loved ones. For me personally, returning to church was one of the most difficult things to do after my loss, and I’ve talked to many other bereaved parents who have expressed the same thing.” You feel like Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders as you walk through the doors. Why do they feel this way?

Church Can Feel Emotionally Unsafe, Triggering, or Heavy

We dedicated and baptized our children there. The loved one has their “pew” where they always sat. We sing of hope, victory, and faithfulness while feeling like we got a raw deal from the Lord. One parent shared recently that they never realized how often Christians speak of death until after they buried their loved one. It can be triggering.

Theological Tension

Why didn’t God heal my person? How do we sing of victory, conquering, and overcoming when we’re in the depths? How do we walk with the Lord who is our friend who decides such difficult trials for us? One bereaved parent once said, “I long to be in the presence of the Lord but I struggle to look Him in the eyes.”

People Don’t Know What to Say (or Say the Wrong Things)

Many grieving people experience awkwardness, avoidance, or well-meaning but hurtful comments from others at church. People often want to say something to “fix” the bereaved. The reality is there are some things that only the resurrection will fix. Sometimes they repeat clichés or myths about grief. Or, they simply avoid you rather than say the wrong thing, which feels like abandonment.

Spotlight is On You

There’s nowhere to hide when you’ve suffered a deep loss. The looks of pity and sympathy alongside those of awkwardness can feel isolating. Sometimes you don’t want to talk about your loss but it is inevitable.

Being Surrounded by “Normal” People

Church is filled with families: pregnant moms, healthy children, and smiling couples. For the bereaved, just being in the room can stir up profound feelings of isolation. You think, “I’m not like them anymore. I don’t belong.”

Physical and Emotional Exhaustion

Nancy Guthrie said grief feels like you have a boulder on your chest. One of my dear friends who is a fellow bereaved parent described it as “walking around with heavy rocks in her pocket.” At church, there’s an unstated assumption that you need to pretend or put on a mask. The bereaved simply just don’t have the emotional and physical energy to do that. Again, Jill says, “There is an unspoken expectation at church that everyone is filled with the ‘joy of the Lord.’ You know what I mean . . . we put on our best clothes and our Sunday School smiles and give the appearance that all is right in our world. A grieving parent may simply not have the emotional stamina to play that role.”

Fear of Breaking Down

Churches aren’t always ok with tears. Tears of joy, yes, but not the ones provoked by death, pain, and loss. The bereaved may feel like people are ok with you crying the first week or so after loss but months and years later—hardly. The worship times especially can be emotionally trying. Sullivan once again notes, “The songs we sing in church can bring up very strong emotions. Songs about heaven can conjure up an almost unbearable longing in our hearts, and songs of praise can be difficult to sing when your heart is broken.”

Part of the Pain

Sometimes churches don’t help but actually harm the grieving. Maybe no one visited the hospital or attended the funeral, maybe a pastor said something unhelpful or dismissive, or maybe church friends disappeared after a few weeks. After experiencing unimaginable pain from death, the fear of relational pain at church is understandably just avoided.