Austin's Blog

I want to take the burden off friends, family members, and well-meaning caregivers who surround the grieving and those suffering great loss. What burden am I speaking of? The burden of “fixing” the problem your friend or loved one is enduring with your words. We Christians believe, profess, and affirm great Gospel realities. Yet, the reality is that those truths don’t and can’t necessarily remove the pain of deep loss. Jerry Sittser writes, “They [caregivers] assume that speaking the truth will somehow diminish the pain. But truth is no more effective in eliminating pain than a doctor’s word of explanation mitigates the pain of a surgical procedure.” Knowing the ins and outs of the chemo treatment and having it explained well does not remove the fear and difficulty of the treatment itself.

Words alone simply lack the power to solve deep loss, even though they contain the truth. You cannot reason yourself out of deep pain. Reason alone is insufficient to fix the suffering. Nancy Guthrie writes in What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps: And What Really Hurts, “…even if you come up with the perfect thing to say (as if there is such a thing), it simply won’t fix the hurt or solve the problem of the people who are grieving. Does that take some pressure off? I hope so. Really, there is nothing you can say that will make their loss hurt less. It’s going to hurt for a while. They’re not looking to you to make sense of it or to say something they haven’t thought of or something that makes it not hurt. Your purpose in saying something is to enter into the hurt with them and let them know they are not alone.”

There are some problems that only the resurrection will fix. The perfect encouragement, even timed well, cannot empty graves. That’s the work of the Lord later down the road. Does this mean you never say anything to those who are grieving? Absolutely not. Nancy goes on to encourage people who want to comfort the grieving. First, it matters less what you say than that you say something. Take the time and say their name. Share a memory. Say something. The worst thing someone can do is simply ignore the person who has gone on ahead as if they never existed or mattered.

Second, when it is the right time, speak gently, faithfully, tenderly, and lovingly to the grieving. When is the right time? Guthrie says it depends on 1) the nature of your relationship with that person, and 2) where that person is in the process of grief. The connection and relationship matter because we speak differently to a colleague than we do a close friend. Also, the truth must be in the right season. Guthrie notes, “What we say on the day a loved one has died, or when we greet someone at the visitation, is likely different from what we might say a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years later.” All this to say, don’t think you can solve the problem of grief and loss with the right words. Take the risk and say something but do it with the love and tenderness of Christ.