Austin's Blog

After Gabriel went to Heaven, we went through GriefShare a couple times. One reason we went through the program again was they released a new version with a revised video series and book. One thing that was mentioned in the old iteration of GriefShare was the difference between longing for death and suicide. After the video was over, many of us remarked that the distinction was so helpful and affirming since we longed to be with our loved ones, but we weren’t clinically suicidal. Many around us are shocked to hear us affirm our desire to go to Heaven and be done with life and wonder if there’s something wrong with us. Does the Scriptures speak to this distinction?

Many faithful (and unfaithful) believers in the Bible expressed a longing for death without being suicidal. The list almost reads like a virtual hall of fame at times. In 1 Kings 19:4 after the showdown at Mount Carmel, Elijah runs into the wilderness and prays, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life.” In Numbers 11:14-15 as he is overwhelmed by the burdens of leading Israel, Moses tells God, “If you will treat me like this, kill me at once.” Because of his unbearable suffering, Job repeatedly expresses a desire for death: he curses the day of his birth in Job 3:1-26, wishes God would “crush” him in Job 6:8-9, and prefers strangling and death to life in Job 7:15–16. Thouh his desire is obviously wrong, Jonah despairs both after the Ninevites repent and when a plant dies (Jonah 4:3, 8). Like Job, Jeremiah curses the day he was born as he faced intense hostility (Jer. 20:14-18, 15:10). Paul, the great missionary theologian and apostle, says he was “burdened beyond strength” and “despaired of life itself.” He felt the “sentence of death,” pushing him to rely on God who raises the dead (2 Cor. 1:8-9). Many other biblical characters expressed loathing life and longed for death. Scripture does not sanitize the lives of its characters, oftentimes showing the mountaintops and deep valleys of their lives.

Why is this oddly encouraging? We aren’t the first grieving believers to go through deep waters and despair of life itself. Furthermore, it is affirming to know that this experience is “normal” in some sense. Grieving people intensely feel the weight of hopelessness and the darkness sometimes doesn’t lift. So, what is the major difference between the two desires: being suicidal and longing for death? If one is suicidal, they make plans, consider methods, imagine carrying it out, and begin to take steps toward self-harm. You believe that taking your own life is the only solution to the despair and hopelessness you feel. If you feel this way, let me encourage you to immediately reach out to friends, family, and others to seek professional help. The world is, indeed, a better place with you in it, despite what you think and feel at this moment.

Wishing you were dead or being okay with death is a passive longing for life to be done without any intent or action toward aiding it. You still trust in God’s sovereignty, timing, and determination over life and death, even your own. There’s no plan to act upon the desire. A person can be overwhelmed, exhausted, long for heaven, tired of suffering, feel “done”, long to see a loved one, and indifferent about living longer but not be suicidal. They can still honor God and walk with Him despite feeling this way and not be in sin. There’s still an implicit trust in God’s timing for the reunion and the recognition that though their loved one fulfilled their purpose, there’s still more left for you to do (Phil. 1:23). Longing to be with loved ones through death is an expression of grief and love, not a statement of suicidal intent. Many grieving parents feel “if God took me tonight, that would be okay” and that is not the same as wanting to make it happen. This is an expression of lament, not suicide.