Austin's Blog

Why Not Anger?

I am deeply saddened. I am very disappointed, especially for my wife, daughter, family, and friends. But, I am not angry with God (at least, not yet). There’s a thousand different feelings that have gone through my heart and mind since all this began but I haven’t experienced anger with God. I think a part of the reason why I have been spared this emotion is there are some foundational convictions that have helped me during this intense time of lament and grief. These truths have been swirling in my heart and mind since all this began. Here’s my thought processes.

1-I am undeserving. We are unworthy. We are sinful. We cannot charge God with wrong because it is my own hand on the smoking gun. It is mercy that I am not treated as my sins deserve. Because of the life, death, and resurrection of Another, I can be forgiven and in right relationship with God. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23). Including me. Especially me.

2-He was a gift. Gabe’s 366 days were nothing but a gift. We were not owed them. We did not deserve them. It was not our right to have them. He was not necessary. James says, “Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” (James 1:16-17)

3-We are stewards. We did not own Gabriel and we do not own Addison. God gives us our children as their Creator, Redeemer, Lord, and Owner. We are stewards. We are called to love them well and do right by them and highlight, teach, and embody the love and mercy of God to them. But, we don’t own them.

4-He is good. He is good all the time. Whatever this unspeakably evil tragedy means, it can’t mean that God has ceased being good. “For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.” (Psalm 86:5) He cannot do anything less than good.

5-He is loving. In John 11, the sisters Mary and Martha send a message to Jesus saying, “Lord, the one you love is ill.” When Jesus heard Lazarus was sick and almost to the point of death, he waited two days before leaving to go to him. This did not mean Jesus did not love Lazarus or his family. Sometimes the love of God does not spare us painful situations. He loves us through them. He loves us in the midst of them. He has not stopped loving us. He loved us when we were in the ICU hospital room.

6-He is righteous. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.” (Psalm 145:17) He never does wrong. He makes no mistakes. He cannot err. “The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he.” Deuteronomy 32:4 We cannot charge him with wrong, even when we do not understand the why and how of this evil.

7-He is wise. I’ve told people for years, if we had the same wisdom God has, we would make the same decisions. He is infinite in wisdom. The plan appears to have so many loose ends, mangled images, and frayed knots. Yet, the tapestry of God’s plan in the end will be shown to be a beautiful and intricate mosaic of grace. I cannot always see it now, but I know it is true.

8-He is sovereign. Anyone who knows me knows I believe, treasure, and trust in the meticulous sovereignty of God over all things. While human beings, the Enemy, angelic/demonic beings, and nature all have a role to play, no one sits on the throne of the universe but One. If sparrows don’t hit the ground outside of His gentle and tender control of all things, my son was cared for by the King. This truth is not a sledgehammer but a pillow to rest my head upon.

9-He wastes nothing. The pain of this loss is unimaginable. These truths comfort, encourage, and strengthen us but they don’t necessarily remove the pain of what we are feeling. However, there’s a sense of blue-colored joy over the fact that we have already seen and experienced how God has used our beautiful boy’s life and his death to glorify Himself.

10-He is near. During this bitter providence, we felt the comfort and nearness of the risen Christ with us. Jesus promised to be with His people until the end of the ages (Matthew 28:20). We were never alone. We were and have not been abandoned. Tim Keller writes, “Jesus was forsaken by God so that we would never have to be. His death means no death for us. His resurrection means our resurrection.” I cannot put the experience into words, but Jesus of Nazareth, the risen Christ, was in the room with us.

11-He empathizes and knows. Jesus knows loss, pain, and sorrow. Isaiah says He is a man of sorrows and acquainted well with grief. The fact that He knows what it feels like to have sorrow comforts me. Jesus has felt the lump in the back of our throats and the sick feeling in our stomachs as we’ve wept. Hebrews 4:15-16, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Jesus too has scars.

12-He will make all things new. There’s coming a day when the end will arrive and the voice of Christ will say the word, “rise!” and Gabriel Austin DeArmond will burst from the grave. What God did to Jesus on the third day, he will do to all creation and my son in the end. No more tears, sorrow, sickness, or suffering will last. How he looked at the funeral did not matter because he will rise perfectly. What type of box he was buried in mattered little because the voice of Christ will cause that box to shatter and my son rise incorruptible and immortal.

13-He is in heaven. As we wait and watch with deep ache, sadness, and grief, we know Gabe is in heaven with Jesus. God did not have to create Gabe. However, He created him to bless us for 366 days and enjoy him forever in heaven. How can I be angry with God when I know Gabe is experiencing unspeakably beautiful, majestic, and precious experiences that I will take part in later? He’s gone ahead of us, but I will see him again because my sins have been forgiven. We will be with our son again in heaven not because we are good, strong, or moral but because Jesus Christ lived a perfect life and died the death we deserved, opening wide the way of salvation.